a few of my favorites from the book i wrote.

So there once was a lobster named jairy. He was
transformed into a beautiful fairy. He jumped and cheered
for his life was cleared and nobody thought he was weird.
Well Jairy turn to tom who then turned to his mom
and asked what time would be good to bomb.
The world had turned on every sea and
nobody wanted anything from me, me, and me.
Whatever are we to learn, from Jairys cold earn?
Don't be concerned.
_____________________________________________

I'm really tired.
Maybe if I stay awake I'll be delirious tomorrow
and everything will be funny, and I'll be funny and
everyone will think I'm not boring and stupid.
_____________________________________________

I remember once, my mom and I were in the car
or on the couch and we were talking of my childhood.
She was saying how cute I was, even though my forehead
was as big as a normal kids head, and that I would crush
up flowers and wobble my porpoise head over to her and press the
clump into her hand.
She said this with such satisfaction, that I know flowers are enough
for her. I only wish flowers were enough for me.
That maybe I could live on them like a tiny bee.
Make honey and in turn make a difference in the world, all
the while being unnoticed. I can be a part of a big economy without
having to be a big enough part to get noticed. Just enough to
be slightly acknowledged, but not enough for credit.
Theres a big difference between notice and acknowledgement.
Big enough to have to choose.
___________________________________________________

I don't see "death" as you do.
I don't see it as dying and never coming back.
I have this thing about it.
I don't want to die, I want to live. Sometimes I just
get tired of waiting. Sometimes I just don't think that wait
will lead to exactly what I expect. Sometimes, I guess
I just can't deal with what I feel that waiting will bring.
Dying isn't my goal with all of those experiments,
and there really haven't been many.
It just, seems like the only way for me to honestly escape
is to well, you know, get out completely.
[This makes me feel childish just typing it.]
I guess I just feel like, I really don't see
any point in my standing anymore and I feel the only way
to feel a bit more steady on my feet is not to need them.
___________________________________________________

Things I am actually sorry for:

Mom. Dad. The fact they got none of the
children they should have. None of the lives.
Dumbo. Natasha and the fact that she really can't be happy right now.
Burnt coffee. Mislead doctors. Mislead teachers.
Mary Poppins. Chimney sweeps.
My inability to do anything creative. Carved coconuts.
Jesus/God/shit. Cancer kids. How over rated cancer and AIDs has become.
My generation. The death of my bike. Myself. My youngest brother.
Parents with autistic children. How much money everyone wastes.
How much money I will waste. How I don't think well.
People with an overpowering want for love.
How easy it is for people to loose themselves in infatuation.
My favorite aunt, my favorite cousin. My other cousin.
My family in general. Humanity, society, evolution.
How everything keeps letting everyone down.
Bus drivers. Calves born to be made into veil.
Dirty children. Those comercials that want you to adopt dying children.
How I second guess all of those comercials. How classical music
is barily even acknowledged. Anne Frank&friends. Anybody who has ever
been compared to a walrus. How people now degrade the possibility of peace.
War. People who think war is noble. Elephants having to forever run[?]
to keep their tusk. Boring people. Anybody who doesn't enjoy
a nice drive in the night. Pinnocio and how he's bound to have his dreams shot
down, or be turned back into a puppet.
That one person who took Goofy too seriously. The blind, and deaf.
Helen Keller. Ginger from Black Beauty. People who have been misguided in
music. People who only make friends because they're known to have
an infinite amount of drugs. Cripled people who dream of traveling around the world.
Those who won't settle for mediocracy. Anyone who doesn't drink enough fruit juice.
Anyone who sews anyone over trivial situations or things.
______________________________________________________________

I think a lot of people commit suicide because they're just
too lazy to live.
_______________________________________________

Joes old journals prt1- {the names will be changed for
for dignitys sake.]

July 1, 2008 journal #83

i miss everything.
i miss my mom thinking i was a great kid, and
a free spirit, and just happy.
when "paw paw" was still alive, and she
didn't smoke.
when my aunt carry was in a trailer and Jim kept
hitting his back. when she and blake lived with us.
When nobody knew how sick his dad was,
or that aunt carry secretly takes those little white pills
by the handfull.
i miss when my dad thought people cared,
and listened, and he was my favorite person in the world.
When Dan was a spirit, and hid beer cans in his baseball
bag.
When Tim did no wrong and skate boarded.
When i thought they went in the *house just
to hang out.
When cancer was a far away thing that couldn't come near,
and Brittany and I stayed up playing Sims
and drinking coke.
I miss when I didn't know what anxiety was
and never understood why tim didn't talk to the family.
i miss thinking Pat was the greatest
person since anyone, and that god was just god
and could perform miracles for me and my family.
i miss when riding my bike, or walking for an
hour day was enough.
and when my mom would bring me and justin places,
and wasn't half as tired as she is
now.
When i actually thought love was
for everyone, or anyone, and that someone would
love me too, and that I'd want them to..
i miss thinking my mom was happy, and
fulfilled and loved by my dad.
and that my dad didn't love his
dogs more than his family.
When Degrassi was so "intense", and
politics didn't matter.
i miss when my hands moved fast with naive words,
and thinking i was doing something worthwhile.
Thinking Dan would someday change
and Tim would never follow in his well worn
footsteps.
When even I didn't understand why they would.
I miss thinking one o' clock was late,
and trying to stay up with Tim.
When Ray was new and we made movies
and stayed on myspace all day.
When laughing until we cried was so easy
and crying without laughing only ever came with
pain or Dan.
When I hadn't yet realized I was
"the last chance" for my parents satisfaction.
When Ryan coming over was new, and
putting on make-up was almost embarassing.
I miss sky and her never listening to me,
and having puppys and putting sawdust kittens
in tiny horse wagons, and those little animals
i used to collect, and those horses and Gary Paulson
being my favorite author, and liking animals
as much as i liked cereal.
i miss first meeting natasha and being out
going, and my old house, and not having to worry
about not being able to read.
i miss not wanting to go insane
for the pure sake of not having to be here.
i miss when I thought I could actually keep
a friend, and not being pushed around and then
being ragged on for being pushed around.
When natasha wasn't so sad, and
nothing mattered except our lives.
When I still thought people would care,
and that maybe there could be a heaven.
Not having to try to hang out with
Ray, because she had time and I had time.
Not having to beg my mom to do the smallest
things, and always being able to depend on her
to wake me up in the mornings.
When Natasha didn't make me feel like she used me,
and Matt just became a part of my life. Not knowing I was
retarded and just a stupid teenager.
but most of all... not having to wonder
if i'll be okay or even alive in the near future.
because i'm not brave or naive or even
greatly moved by anything.
and i don't have to wonder if i'll die,
because i can't kill myself because i'm not courageous enough.
but i miss not having to worry about dying, or death, or myself
because that didn't matter.
because i still thought i mattered
and why would you die if you mattered?
i don't want to want to cry anymore,
just because a burning sensation won't leave,
doesn't mean i don't.
but i don't.
and i can't cry for it, because my eyes are too dry,
and i can't make them cry because my body's dry too.
maybe i'm just tired, i suppose.
______________________________________________

i wish i could be happy-
with everything inside of me.
my whole body lit up
with the passion for simply being alive.
but thats a dream in gold seems.
my failures will have no means of disappointment.
i can lay down and sleep,
never feel a thing.

oh, i wish i was a catterpillar.-
who turns into a buttefly.
I'll get up each morning feeling a drive.
One day I'll be beautiful;
if I can just survive.
but humans aren't so direct with their lives.
Theres no turning back.
You live with your time.

And I wish I was your lover,
who could fill you with warmth.
Each day we'd wake up,
speak of good luck.
I'd be really alive, and stand with
the living.
Not those ants on the ground,
or those fake drowning frowns.
but you don't exist to my
utter demise.
You shine, and shine much too bright.
I can't keep up.
So I lay down to sleep,
keep warm, dream.
____________________________________________________




end of that, to get book~ WELL, YOU COULD ASK.
it really sucks though, no recommendation, lolz.