this, right now, is the worst i have ever been. the only difference is the fact that i don't care enough to want to end it. i feel pitied, unwelcome, used, drained, sick, nauseous, disappointed, unsatisfied, envious, useless, withdrawn, naive, ignorant, shallow, scared, terrified, horrified, tricked, petulant, young, needy, dependent, unrealistic, doubted, doubting, full of paradoxes, temporary, hopefull, out of sync, awake, cold, sick, content, dilerous, ect. i'm having terrible mood swings, but it's not pms. i think prozac is a bunch of shit, and i think i'm a useless little kid. i want life and spontaneous adventures, but my energy is all used up.
"but the actual truth is that all my mind, body, intuition, feelings, want, need, desire, emotions, is telling me to keep trying. The actual truth is i don't think it's over at all, and i still think our emotions are growing. Not all is at bottom, and i do feel a connection. >"
that's all that matters, right?
"Now I know why
you're floating away
like a white balloon
untied today or last night.
I like the sounds
you make when you sleep
like you're eating a meal
grinding your teeth or just breathing."
please let that be all that matters. i know i sound needy and dependent, but i'm just scared.
i don't want what is inevitable. i've detached myself, so it's okay.
we are in realization, and maybe we can try.-
but i'm not stupid, i know i'm trying to hold on to something with no cells, particles, matter.
i know, i do.
and now it's over, and all is fine.
fine is a placeholder, what i really mean is okay.
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