grow or fade.

i don't want to wake you- but i don't want you to wake while
i'm away.

my beautiful lover.


"sink or swim?"
i need out. i want out. things are running about so fast and i can hear every footstep splashing in the coldest water.
i'm full of ice and my bones are shaking and you, come and melt me all over; and it's beautiful in the serenity;
and terrible in it's dependency. i want the world at my feet to move along, like a slideshow for my eyes alone.
seeking some sort of comfort and permanence[though i've realized again and again continuous does not exist]i reach out
to you and you grasp me. i love you, i need you- but what happens if you arent around?
i'm down and spinning and i'm so afraid and god knows-

what am i doing? where am i going?



i don't want to lie awake wanting sleep to take hold. i don't want to spend hours in the day
wanting to move, move, move. i won't. i can't. i'm drained.

but you- you keep me alive. i love you. i can't be enough for you.
i won't ever be satisfied in my attempts to love you.

"Walking up the hill tonight
and you have closed your eyes,
I wish I didn't have to make all those mistakes and be wise.
Please try to be patient and know that I'm still learning.
I'm sorry that you have to see the strength inside me burning."

watching once over and over; its so soothing. the music keeps me in tune to it, i don't think.
i like not thinking-
but then i'm down again. i'm drained. i'm trying. and that's all i ever say.